This may be due to embarrassment, or concern that it will be seen as a sign of weakness, but it could simply be that they just don’t realise this is what they really want to know, so the question remains unasked.

That’s why the role of the family lawyer is so important – we are not just here to provide legal advice, but to guide our clients through the whole process as smoothly as possible. A good lawyer will reassure their client that they will emerge from their current trauma, but will acknowledge that additional help may be needed from third parties such as financial advisers, life coaches or counsellors.

Of the more commonly asked questions, the majority involve the financial implications that occur when couples go their separate ways.

Below are three of the most common questions we are asked by our clients:

• Why should he/she share in the money I brought in to the marriage – e.g. from an inheritance?

How a couple’s joint finances are distributed depends initially upon each of their individual needs. For many this can be fairly cut and dry, whilst for others, such as those with inherited wealth, it can be far more complex.

• I didn’t want a divorce – why do I have to pay maintenance?

In resolving financial matters, the law generally does not take into account the reasons for the breakdown of a marriage. Therefore any financial settlement must be deemed to be fair, whilst giving priority to the welfare and needs of any dependent children.

When deciding maintenance payments, the following points are taken into account:

• Each partner’s needs, assets income and earning capacity
• The standard of living before the end of the marriage
• The length of the marriage and the age of the spouse seeking support
• Any special needs, such as a disability/health
• The contributions each spouse made to the marriage (for example, by looking after the home and bringing up children)

• How much will my divorce cost?

Costs can vary significantly, but as a general rule, the more that couples argue and deviate from seeking a practical solution, the greater the cost.

Clarity, guidance, information and support – all of these are part of the service that a good family lawyer can offer their client when they are going through a divorce – you just have to ask.

Was there a question that you wanted to ask your divorce lawyer, but felt that you couldn’t?

If you have any concerns or questions about getting divorced, call us on 0113 246 0055, leave us a comment below or drop us an e-mail. You can also follow us on Twitter: @helpwithdivorce.

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Almost 400,000 children in England and Wales under the age of 16 live at two homes following the separation or divorce of their parents.

Perhaps, therefore, it is understandable that David Cameron unveiled proposals last year to give four million married couples tax breaks as an incentive to keep them together – particularly if it means that those with children might think twice about getting divorced.

But the reality is that a tax break worth just £200 a year is hardly a large enough incentive to either encourage couples to marry, or keep them together.

The bigger question is should couples, whether they are cohabiting or married, actually stay together if they have children, even if their relationship is in tatters – or are they better off splitting up?

At Jones Myers we are champions of ensuring the welfare of any child involved in a divorce is at heart of our client’s priorities. So I was interested to read journalist Radhika Sanghani’s take on the impact of divorce on children.

Writing in the Daily Telegraph Radhika says that when a number of her friends’ parents split up, they were pleased because it meant an end to the arguments and conflict within the family home.

“A few celebrated, coming into school thrilled because their parents had actually called it a day. The tension in their homes evaporated and peace ensued,” she writes.

“It wasn’t that they didn’t recognise divorce as serious. They did. It’s just that, in most cases, the parents’ relationship had been so bad that it affected the whole family. Separation or divorce meant an end to the arguments. The tension in their homes evaporated and peace ensued.”

From my experience, the impact of a divorce depends on the age of the children, with those in their teenage years more likely to suffer emotional trauma. This is because they will be used to growing up with two parents in the same home, and a divorce will mean they will have to deal with other issues as well as the usual teenage angst. There is also the danger that if a split has been acrimonious, the ‘battle’ between their parents will remain with young people well into adulthood and possibly affect their own future relationships.

Parents going through a divorce need to ensure that their children see them handling problems in a dignified manner, endeavouring to resolve disputes in civilised, non-adversarial ways.

At Jones Myers we would like to see proposals for all divorcing parents to attend parent/separation classes – rather like speed awareness courses. These would deal specifically with the impact of parents’ behaviour on children with tips on how to behave in front of sons and daughters to ensure they are not damaged in the cross fire.

A key part element would be to stress to parents the importance of keeping their emotions under control and to try to remain calm. Also, advising parents to listen to their children and spend quality time with them. Children often believe they are at fault when their parents divorce so it is critical they know they are loved. Contact with wider family members on both sides should also be maintained to ensure continuity.

Family lawyers adopting a sympathetic non-confrontational approach can also help to make sure that children don’t feel trapped in the middle of a divorce.

Is getting divorced more traumatic than staying together for children? Should there be parent/separation courses?

If you have any concerns or questions about the impact of separation or divorce on children please call us on 0113 246 0055, leave us a comment below or drop us an e-mail. You can also follow us on Twitter: @helpwithdivorce.

The post Caught in the parent trap: can divorce ever be the best outcome for children? appeared first on Jones Myers.

As the new Children and Families’ Act  brings a plethora of changes to encourage couples to take a more collaborative approach to divorce, there is disturbing evidence from both the UK and USA on the long term impact of marriage breakups on the mental wellbeing of children.

In an article published during the recent Mental Health Awareness Week, the Children and Family Court Advisory Service (CAFCASS) shows that children’s mental health is a factor in many of the cases they deal with in family courts – often as a result of parental acrimony.

Witnessing parents’ fights and disputes can leave children emotionally bruised – particularly if they are forced into inappropriate roles such as acting as a go between or being a sounding board for one parent’s grievances against the other. And the effects can last way beyond childhood.  A recent study in the USA conducted by Columbia University suggests that the mental health effects of divorce can linger, even putting adult children of divorced parents at a greater risk of suicide.

In the UK, one in 10 children aged between five and 16 has a clinically diagnosed mental health problem. The Commons’ Health Committee is taking the matter very seriously, to the extent that it has now launched an inquiry into children’s mental health.

The impact of separation and divorce on children is similarly highlighted by Childline, which has seen a 122% rise in the number of children contacting them about their parents’ separation or divorce.

We have written extensively on the Jones Myers blog about the impact of divorce on children, including a powerful and personal account from a young woman involved with charity Kids in the Middle and some sound advice from Relate, who offer a support service for separating parents.

I sincerely hope that new Child Arrangement Orders, designed to encourage parents to take joint responsibility for their children, will also support parents to be more collaborative about where their offspring live and how often they see mum and dad. Reaching an amicable agreement about what is best for children will need patience, understanding and a degree of compromise – with both parents placing their children’s physical and mental wellbeing at the heart of all negotiations.

Here are some helpful tips on how to support children through a divorce:

• Don’t let your children witness your anger or negative feelings towards your ex.  They are entitled to love both of you so, grit your teeth, be polite and courteous when dealing with the other parent in front of your children
• Children are good actors and may hide how they feel so encourage them to talk and help about their pain and feelings. There are some excellent books to help children come to terms with this difficult time, including ‘Jack’ by family solicitor Helen Victoria Bishop
• Be clear, concise and honest when you talk to your children about the impending divorce  – don’t try to ‘dress it up’ and confuse the messages you are giving them
• Talk to your ex about what you each want and what you both feel is in the best interests of your children.  If you can’t agree then do seek outside help – your family lawyer can help you to find a counsellor or therapist
• Reassure children about practical arrangements – they will be concerned about where they will live, if they can stay at the same school, still see grandparents, friends and even their favourite pets
• Remind children frequently about how much you love them.

If you have any concerns or questions about the impact of separation or divorce on children please call us on 0113 246 0055, leave us a comment below or drop us an e-mail. You can also follow us on Twitter: @helpwithdivorce.

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Francine Kaye is the UK’s leading relationship educator who is regularly called on by national TV and radio for her expertise and advice for couples.

Divorced 19 years ago with two small children aged 5 and 8, Francine experienced at first hand the challenges of an uncertain future as single parent and it was, she says, often scary.

Francine works with men and women who want to mend their marriages, rebuild rocky relationships and regain intimacy. If couples decide to divorce, Francine shows them how to divorce with dignity and gives them the skills to understand what happened and why it happened so they can emerge buoyant and not bitter from divorce.

She is the author of the bestselling books “The Divorce Doctor” and “Time to Live”

It’s not what you say… It’s who you are when you say it!

Making Yourself Understood in a Relationship

Making yourself understood by your ex was never going to be easy.  It’s such a common issue I thought I’d let you into a simple strategy that will help you as much as it helped my clients. (As usual names have been changed for confidentiality.)

Sally is a newly separated mother of two small girls.  She says that no matter how many times she asks David to come over on time to look after their children, he turns up late and she ends up late for her class, or other social events she had planned.   She said she’s made it very clear to David about timekeeping – and doesn’t understand what else to say to make her point.

Deborah and Justin have been apart (nearly divorced) for two years and are still in dispute. Deborah says Justin speaks to her like a child and Justin says that’s because she acts like one.

Both ex couples are communicating from a specific standpoint which is guaranteed to destroy their ‘parenting apart’ relationship.

Let me introduce you to the PAC Parent Adult Child model. When two adults in a relationship communicate effectively, honest requests are made, consideration is shown and respect is offered.  If I want something done and I speak from my ‘adult’, I would not order, blame, shame, criticise, belittle, threaten, or use any other tactic. I would simply make my request. However this is not what’s going on with our couples.

Sally speaks to David as if she were his parent using a tonality which enables David to react in a childish manner.  Sally is telling David what to do and judging by her tone, she is talking to him as she does to their children. This causes David to either stop listening, or turn up late, just to show Sally that she can’t tell him what to do.

Deborah and Justin are both great at this game.  Deborah responds as a ‘child’, becoming annoyed at Justin for acting like the ‘parent’ and Justin speaks from his ‘parent’ and wonders why Deborah acts like a ‘child’.

I hope you are following this so far!

This is not unusual.  In all our relationships we talk either in Parent, Adult or Child mode and equally we react or respond from Parent Adult or Child.  The challenge is to stay in ‘adult’ mode all the time. Regardless of how you are spoken to, your job is always to respond as an ‘adult’. You cannot have a truly adult relationship unless you communicate as an adult. This is vital when you are parenting apart because if you guys are not the adults who can your children rely on?

So how are you communicating with your ex and how does he/she react when you do that?  It only takes one of you to change the communication in the relationship.  Are you adult enough to be the one?

Francine works with men and women on communication skills like the above to transform their relationships with ex partners. This has a practical and emotional impact on you and your children.  To find out more about Francine and how she can help go to www.francinekaye.com or email Francine@francinekaye.com

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