For parents, especially those who have separated from their partners, it can also be a very difficult and stressful time, with the added financial pressure that Christmas brings along  with having to deal with the practicalities of sharing the children’s time over the holiday period.

Below I have set out a few practical points to consider when sorting out the arrangements:

• Plan Christmas in good time. Do not wait until the end of November and then start to negotiate when you are faced with the busy build-up of Christmas. If you are setting out contact in a Parenting Agreement it is a good idea to include the structure for Christmas contact.
• Of course both parents will want to see their children on Christmas day. If parents live close to each other this can be achieved by sharing Christmas day, with for example one parent having Christmas Eve and half of Christmas day and then going to the other parent until Boxing Day.
• If there is a large distance in locality between parents it might not be practical to share the day. Bear in mind that the last thing a child wants to do on Christmas day is spend long periods of time travelling. In which case Christmas day can be alternated on a yearly basis. If this is the case, remember Christmas is not just one day, and Boxing Day or indeed the day after can be made into a special magical day.
• Whatever pattern you decide upon – it needs to be fair and therefore ideally rotated each year.
• Make sure you talk to the children about the plans, and make it exciting for them. Having two Christmas’s should be seen as positive. The last thing a child wants to pick up on at that time of year is arguments between mummy and daddy. When discussing the arrangements it is good to reiterate that mummy and daddy still love the children, and that it is not unusual for parents not to live together and many children share Christmas over two homes.
• You will need to be able to compromise. However if you are simply unable to agree contact you may want to consider utilising a mediation service to try to compromise and reach a satisfactory arrangement.
• Try not to overcompensate when purchasing gifts and “compete” with the other parent. If possible try to agree who is going to purchase what gifts.
• In respect of school plays or concerts, make sure the school is aware of the circumstances so that both parents are notified of events.

The most important consideration to be kept at the forefront of negotiations over Christmas needs to be that Children are able to have a magical happy experience, spending quality time with both parents.

Helen Victoria Bishop Biography

Helen Victoria Bishop is a family Solicitor and Author and has practiced family law since qualifying in 1999.  Helen has written a children’s illustrated book “Jack” to help children aged 4-11 deal with the issues of divorce and separation. The book is endorsed by “Resolution” and is available on Amazon and through Waterstones.  Helen currently works part time as a Consultant Solicitor, she is also involved in various charity work and is Vice Chair and Safeguarding Governor for a Primary School in Hampshire.

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As the new Children and Families’ Act  brings a plethora of changes to encourage couples to take a more collaborative approach to divorce, there is disturbing evidence from both the UK and USA on the long term impact of marriage breakups on the mental wellbeing of children.

In an article published during the recent Mental Health Awareness Week, the Children and Family Court Advisory Service (CAFCASS) shows that children’s mental health is a factor in many of the cases they deal with in family courts – often as a result of parental acrimony.

Witnessing parents’ fights and disputes can leave children emotionally bruised – particularly if they are forced into inappropriate roles such as acting as a go between or being a sounding board for one parent’s grievances against the other. And the effects can last way beyond childhood.  A recent study in the USA conducted by Columbia University suggests that the mental health effects of divorce can linger, even putting adult children of divorced parents at a greater risk of suicide.

In the UK, one in 10 children aged between five and 16 has a clinically diagnosed mental health problem. The Commons’ Health Committee is taking the matter very seriously, to the extent that it has now launched an inquiry into children’s mental health.

The impact of separation and divorce on children is similarly highlighted by Childline, which has seen a 122% rise in the number of children contacting them about their parents’ separation or divorce.

We have written extensively on the Jones Myers blog about the impact of divorce on children, including a powerful and personal account from a young woman involved with charity Kids in the Middle and some sound advice from Relate, who offer a support service for separating parents.

I sincerely hope that new Child Arrangement Orders, designed to encourage parents to take joint responsibility for their children, will also support parents to be more collaborative about where their offspring live and how often they see mum and dad. Reaching an amicable agreement about what is best for children will need patience, understanding and a degree of compromise – with both parents placing their children’s physical and mental wellbeing at the heart of all negotiations.

Here are some helpful tips on how to support children through a divorce:

• Don’t let your children witness your anger or negative feelings towards your ex.  They are entitled to love both of you so, grit your teeth, be polite and courteous when dealing with the other parent in front of your children
• Children are good actors and may hide how they feel so encourage them to talk and help about their pain and feelings. There are some excellent books to help children come to terms with this difficult time, including ‘Jack’ by family solicitor Helen Victoria Bishop
• Be clear, concise and honest when you talk to your children about the impending divorce  – don’t try to ‘dress it up’ and confuse the messages you are giving them
• Talk to your ex about what you each want and what you both feel is in the best interests of your children.  If you can’t agree then do seek outside help – your family lawyer can help you to find a counsellor or therapist
• Reassure children about practical arrangements – they will be concerned about where they will live, if they can stay at the same school, still see grandparents, friends and even their favourite pets
• Remind children frequently about how much you love them.

If you have any concerns or questions about the impact of separation or divorce on children please call us on 0113 246 0055, leave us a comment below or drop us an e-mail. You can also follow us on Twitter: @helpwithdivorce.

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In the adage that one size does not fit all – and that so much depends upon on the circumstances and factors including the age of the children – managing and supporting the situation with meticulous planning, transparency, and clear and frequent communication is vital.

In a previous post we highlighted author Helen Victoria Bishop’s illustrated book called ‘Jack’ which helps 4-11 year olds to deal with the myriad of turbulent and emotional issues they frequently experience as part of family break up.

Shift the age group another decade or so forwards where, having waited nine years to find out why his parents broke up, young adults like Darryl confront them head on and ask them if they are happier now than before the divorce. After some soul searching and tough questions for his parents, Darryl reflects the dreams of many youngsters who keep hoping for a reconciliation which will never transpire.

With one third of Britain’s children living with one parent, key messages that resonated through the heartache of the respective scenarios – which included one mum moving with her daughter into a new house without telling her that their dad wasn’t coming with them – centred on how much or how little information should parents divulge.

Jones Myers partner Kate Banerjee, who heads our Children’s Department, and is highly skilled in cases relating to children, including contact and residence disputes – says it is not unusual in such circumstances for children to blame themselves for their parent’s split.

Kate has the following tips for parents:

• Give children information at the earliest opportunity – how much will depend upon how old they are (the degree of understanding of a three year old will vary dramatically from that of an 11 year old).
• Always plan carefully what you will say to them in advance (even more meticulous planning is required in situations where violence, alcohol or emotional abuse are factors leading to the separation or divorce).
• Avoid shifting more blame on one parent than the other and being acrimonious in your explanation.
• However difficult, try to keep a brave face and be consistent in your explanations.
• Put yourself in your children’s shoes when relaying this information and try to pre-empt any questions they will ask.
• In the interests of always putting children’s interests first, try to present a united approach wherever possible, especially when reassuring them “it’s not your fault”.
• Be clear and concise about the information you give them – the programme highlighted how some parents had ‘talked around’ issues and could have been more specific.
• Encourage children to openly voice and discuss their worries or concerns – burying and internalising the situation exacerbates negative emotions.
• Establish routines at the outset to give children some sense of stability.
• Remind children frequently how much you love them and that you are there to support them.

In the knowledge that divorce can have long-lasting damage on children who may feel abandoned, ensure their welfare is always a top priority. It is vital that parents emphasise throughout various stages of their children’s lives that is it their choice – and no fault of their offspring – to separate. For more information on how we can help, please call us on 0113 246 0055, leave us a comment below or drop us an e-mail.

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“Jack is feeling quite sad and alone as he sits in his bedroom considering the situation between his mummy and daddy. He like many children in a break up situation feels that this might all be his fault. Jack speaks to his loyal friend “Black Cat” who is able in his magical way to talk Jack through his concerns and worries and provide him with some practical advice on how to make life a little easier, all of which makes Jack feel more confident and reassured.”

“Jack” is an illustrated book for children aged 4-11 to help them deal with the issues that they frequently experience as part of family break up.

I have  practised Family Law since 1999 and wrote “Jack” as I became frustrated as to the lack of literature available to help children deal with the issues that they face when their parents separate.

Approximately 25 percent of children will at some point experience separation and the effects on them if it is not dealt with correctly, can be very damaging and potentially last long into adulthood.

It is vital that parents talk to their children right from the start of a family break up and allow children to voice their concerns and anxieties as this will help the child cope with the enormous change that they face.

My aim with the book is that children can relate to “Jack” and his feelings and by reading the book it will encourage them to engage in conversation with parents, teachers or guardians about their feelings.

Every child will deal with separation in a different way and sometimes a tangible object such as a book like “Jack” can be a useful aide to help a child cope and understand.

For parents there are a few key things to consider when telling a child for the first time about a separation:

1. If possible try to tell the child or children with both parents together in a calm and secure environment
2. Keep the language simple and remove blame. Children need to be reassured that it is not their fault and they do not need to know the complex issues that are the core to the separation
3. Emphasise that mummy and daddy still love them and always will
4. Let them know as soon as possible what the arrangements will be, as this will help with the transition
5. Listen to your children and let them talk through their worries and concerns.

The book is available through Amazon and further information is available at www.jackandblackcat.com

Helen Victoria Bishop is a family Solicitor and author and has practised family law since qualifying in 1999. In 2010 she took a break from practice to enable her to spend more time with her family and focus on writing children’s literature to help children deal with the issues of separation and divorce.

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