By Peter Jones, founder

The number of British fathers electing to stay-at-home more than doubled between 1993 and 2014, as women increasingly went out to work. Other reasons for husbands not being the main breadwinner include better career opportunities for their partners, job loss – and the age gap between couples.

Now a Harvard University study claims that marriages where the wife earns more money have a higher risk of ending in divorce.

It has been widely reported that men have a sense of failure – fearing their wives will leave them and feeling they have let themselves and their families down – if they lose their jobs.

Below are six steps to avoid these stressful and sensitive situations from spiralling into break ups and divorce:

1. It is vital that both partners talk frankly about work regularly – and not late in the evening or over too much to drink. Traumatic arguments and lingering rancour can be diffused – and possibly avoided – if the stresses and strains of job losses and careers are shared. It is also important for couples to work together to achieve positive goals and outcomes.
2. It is also important that both partners understand – and accept – that many men still define themselves and measure their worth by their earning power and their ability to support their families.
3. Agree who will take on the earnings responsibility – and for how long. For example, a couple might decide that the husband has a ‘mini Sabbatical’ to recharge his batteries. If progressed, the sabbatical should be restricted to a six month timeframe as opposed to an indefinite period.
4. It is also constructive and supportive for couples to acknowledge how hard the other works. Being a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on in bad times brings couples closer together – as does celebrating each other’s triumphs.
5. Remember, the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence: while one partner may see themselves as being in the less attractive position, their other half might secretly envy their seemingly easier, less stressful daily schedule.
6. Consider whether a trusted third party can guide or advise on these discussions. At Jones Myers, we suggest support – whether from an objective, sympathetic family member, friend or accredited counsellor or relationship coach – if we feel that they can help bring about the best conclusion. As a champion of a constructive approach to resolving family issues, we have a network of trusted professionals who can help the process.

If you have any comments, queries or concerns on any divorce related issue, leave a comment below, call the Jones Myers team on 0113 246 0055 or tweet us on @helpwithdivorce.

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By Peter Jones, founder

Anthea Turner’s announcement that her “awful divorce process” has inspired her to write a self-help book for others going through similar difficulties, underlines how many people are left bruised and unhappy by the experience.

While such books are rarely more than cathartic exercises that help nobody as there is no one-size-fits-all solution, there are common experiences in a relationship breakdown which is often described as the equivalent of bereavement and is among life’s most stressful situations, complete with a ‘grieving cycle’. And, for most people, divorce is very sad – creating many feelings of insecurity and fear for the future.

Lingering unhappiness and dissatisfaction years later often comes from a bitter, protracted courtroom battle – rather than couples taking a less confrontational route where they could have worked together to reach agreement in a less costly, less traumatic way.

With this in mind, here are some key issues to consider for ‘self-help’ during divorce:

1. Remember that just as every divorce is different, so is the way people cope. It is therefore important that they are represented by a Resolution solicitor who can expertly guide a client through the legal process.
2. Working with like-minded lawyers who act for the other party in a non-confrontational process and are attuned to what is happening in their clients’ minds – is also crucial.
3. Bear in mind that children are likely to be affected by the separation and will pay great attention to how their parents settle their differences. The less rancour and discord there is, the happier they will be; children want to see parents behave like grown-ups – not in ways they perceive as stubborn, petty or argumentative. Always remember the adage, ‘the more contention, the more damage’.
4. Avoid fixating on minor matters at the cost of seeing the bigger picture. Many long-drawn out courtroom battles stem from the inflexibility of one or both parties, so be prepared to compromise and discuss issues constructively. It is a lot to ask separating couples to rise above the emotion, but experienced, empathetic lawyers make a massive difference, as they can guide, explain detail and suggest solutions while always acting in their clients’ best interests.
5. With this in mind, also consider using life coaches who can help you make calm, logical decisions. At Jones Myers we suggest support – whether from an objective, sympathetic family member, friend or an accredited counsellor or relationship coach – if we feel it will help families to cope with a marriage breakdown and ensure that the children are put first and retain healthy relationships with both mum and dad.
6. Concentrate, no matter how difficult, on the future. Overcome the distress, the hurt, and the pain; there will always be light at the end of the tunnel and the “nightmare” will come to an end. It is up to you and how you both behave as to how long that will take.

Collaborative lawyers can discuss alternative methods to courtroom battles for separating couples – enabling them to find the one that suits them.

Alternative methods include mediation, arbitration and collaboration and each is designed to make the process as quick and painless as possible, lessening costs and emotional expenditure for increased wellbeing.

If you have any comments, queries or concerns on wider divorce related issues, leave a comment below, call the Jones Myers team on 0113 246 0055 or tweet us on @helpwithdivorce.

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Unfortunately, not everyone has a close, reliable network of family and friends to help them, which may mean that professional counselling and/or an experienced family lawyer with a holistic approach are needed.

Such specialists are only too aware that there is more to many divorces than the financial side of things – and usually more to consider than the division of assets. They also understand the emotional toll a split brings and the many feelings it can generate.

At Jones Myers we will suggest support – whether from an objective, sympathetic family member, friend or an accredited counsellor or relationship coach – if we feel it will help families to cope with a marriage break and ensure that the children are put first and retain healthy relationships with both mum and dad.

The benefits of counselling include reducing stress and legal costs by helping couples to avoid conflict and courtroom battles when resolving often sensitive issues, such as children, money and who remains in the family home.

Collaborative lawyers can also signpost separating couples to alternative methods to litigation such as mediation, arbitration and collaboration. Each is designed to make the process as quick and painless as possible, lessening costs and emotional expenditure for increased wellbeing.

With divorce being acknowledged as one of the most stressful life experiences, it is very important that you look after yourself  so that you are best-equipped to cope and move on.

Ensure that you get enough sleep, eat well and do not rely on alcohol to help get through it. Exercise is also important, for both a physical and psychological lift, while staying socially active is key to ward off isolation and depression.

You might also see if alternative therapies – e.g. massage, acupuncture or osteopathy – can ease tension and iron out niggling aches and pains.

In the same way as Drew Barrymore was advised to ‘put one foot in front of the other’ – advice she described as “physically productive and life-choice productive” – it is vital to nurture your physical and mental well-being as you map out the next stage of your life’s journey.

If you have any comments, queries or concerns on wider divorce related issues, leave a comment below, call the Jones Myers team on 0113 246 0055 or tweet us on @helpwithdivorce.

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Together with seven other divorce and family law specialists in Leeds we have launched Lawyer-Supported Mediation in the city.  The national ground breaking initiative comes at a time when more and more people are representing themselves at court following the withdrawal last year of Legal Aid for most family law cases.

The service offers a fixed fee package which includes mediation and independent legal advice for couples seeking to sort out issues concerning finance, children, divorce or any combination of these.

Fiona Kendall, partner at Jones Myers, who are leading the Leeds hub said: “This is a real chance to lead the way in bringing down the cost of family law services. Working as a likeminded group of lawyers and mediators, we can put an end to the widely-held view that lawyers are beyond the means of average income separating couples.”

Jones Myers will act as part of a carefully selected panel of family law experts from across the region to provide couples with a new method of resolving their differences in a cost effective manner.

Other firms involved are Chadwick Lawrence, Simpson Millar, Clarion, Lake Legal, Blacks Solicitors, Ison Harrison and Winston Solicitors.

A recent report by Napo, the union representing family court staff, claimed that the family courts were now 10 times more likely to see both parents in a custody dispute without legal representation as opposed to them being represented by a solicitor.

Publicly funded family mediation in the Leeds area has likewise struggled to divert separating couples from the courts. Data from the Ministry of Justice shows that between May and November 2013, the total number of mediations getting underway fell by just over 40% (41%), compared to the same period in 2012.

Trained mediator and founder of LawyerSupportedMediation.com, Marc Lopatin explains: “We dramatically reduce the cost of accessing legal experts by fusing their advice with family mediation, where separating couples can resolve their differences. We know from government data that two-thirds of people who begin mediation go on to reach agreement, so we need to find new ways of encouraging more people to try.

Beyond Leeds, the service is being piloted in Newcastle, Manchester and London.

Lawyer-Supported Mediation launches in six UK locations in April & May.

For a free estimate – including a fixed legal fee – call 033 0223 1188 or visit www.lawyersupportedmediation.com

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