Is this really love? How to detect signs of Domestic Abuse in relationships

By Laura Sargeant, Jones Myers Family Law Solicitor

In February, thoughts often turn to romance with messages about Valentine’s Day circulating everywhere on social media and in every shop on the high street.

It’s easy to be drawn into the hype and see our own relationships or potential relationships through the lens of what the marketing tells us love should be like.

In reality, relationships aren’t always a fairy tale where we get charmed off our feet by the likes of Benedict Bridgerton or Jeremiah Fisher.

A gift of flowers or chocolates and a card professing unending love can be very thoughtful, but what if they are done to excess (a practice known as ‘love bombing’) or are sent in an attempt to ‘make up’ following an incident of physical or verbal abuse?

It can be hard to see the signs that a relationship is abusive. This is partly because the abusive partner is often very good at hiding what they do and deflecting attention away from their actions. It is also partly because we can find it hard to accept that the person we think loves us and who we think we love could be capable of abusing us.

Although the signs of domestic abuse are wide ranging, and whilst the below is not an exhaustive list, they can include elements of the following:

• Physical – hitting, slapping, hair pulling, pushing, strangulation, throwing objects at you;
• Verbal – this can range from loud verbal attacks, swearing and name calling to more subtle verbal abuse such as making derogatory comments about your appearance;
• Sexual – is your consent to sexual activity sought? Are you being forced to have sex when you don’t want to or manipulated into engaging in sexual activities you don’t enjoy?
• Threats – are you or members of your family being threatened with violence if you fail to comply with what your partner wants?
• Financial – does your partner control all the finances in the relationship and this isn’t by mutual, fully informed agreement? Does your partner take money from you or spend money in a way that puts you in financial difficulty?
• Control – does your partner always want to know exactly where you’re going and who with and do they check up on you throughout? Do they harass and follow you or check your phone messages? Do they dictate what you wear?
• Isolation – are you prevented from spending time with your family and friends either overtly or through more subtle means such as by your partner telling you your family are awful and you shouldn’t be spending time with them?

If you think you might be experiencing domestic abuse in your relationship there are lots of organisations who you can reach out to for specialist support including IDAS (www.idas.org.uk), the biggest specialist domestic abuse charity in Yorkshire.

At Jones Myers our paramount consideration is securing your safety, and we are trained in spotting the signs that there may be domestic abuse in a relationship.

Our highly experienced family lawyers can provide you with specialist help and advice regarding leaving a relationship and any protective orders that may need to be put in place for you or your children such as non-molestation or occupation orders.

For queries on domestic abuse or family law, call 0113 246 0055 (Leeds) 01423 276104 (Harrogate), 202550 (York). Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet 01904 @helpwithdivorce

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